there are times in my life i look around for a second and just wonder, "how did i get here. what event brought me here"

i was so sure. i realize now that i was so sure, looking back over some of these entries. i was so sure it was me. i had planned a little life in my head that worked out so beautifully. I would spend one year in Houston. I would convince him to marry me by February or at least before his brother's own wedding. I was so positive it was right.

We were so happy... and yet so unhappy. A week after we broke up I expected to get a call as I was about to go onstage for my first ever choir concert. I stared at my phone willing it to ring, wondering what could possibly be more important than to wish me luck. I warmed them up. Nothing. I gave them pointers. Nothing. I had them sing their "confidence" song. Nothing. I walked them onstage. Nothing. I gave a small speech to the school. Nothing. They sang their songs. Nothing. I shook hands and smiled as I walked them back to my room. Everything passed in a blur until I hit the bathroom floor and realized I was sobbing.

What should have been some of the happiest moments in my life suddenly became nightmares. My first job offer.

When I was offered the job at my elementary I was shocked. And the first person I called was not my boyfriend. It was my mother. I dreaded calling him because i was supremely afraid of what he might say. And you know what, I should have been. He had just left for Hawaii again and I called him up on the phone saying " I was offered the job!" "Oh" he said. The disappointment was palpable over all those miles. He barely congratulated me and asked, " so what are you going to do?" I told him I wanted to discuss it and he told me he wouldn't tell me what to do.

" Cod, is this a deal breaker for you? Its only 3 hours away after all, that's closer than KC."
" Honestly, yes. I know that if you would've stayed Kansas City, we would've broken up."

*disconnect* I was shocked. He called back to apologize, promise that we'd work it out, but in that moment I knew. And to this day I still feel guilty about taking this job. I think to myself, " we could've avoided this. I could've given away more of myself right?"

I remember visiting a friend who knows Cody well after this happened. We talked briefly and he asked "how did you two meet again?" I told the story any he saw the look. "Yeah that's the story he told. About how, like an idiot engineer, he didn't get your number and...But that's over now."

And now his brother & fiancee have moved into our old apartment. And they have a dog. And they will get married this fall. And all i can think is....

it should've been me.

how did I get here?